Hippy Hoppy Haaaapppyyyyyy!!

I am SO happy.
My best friends are amazing and I've been gaining new friends just this past month who are all so very nice and fun! :)
I'm going to church and really trying to focus on what the most important thing is for me: my relationship with God.
When all else fails, HE'S the one that's always going to be there and love me no matter what.
School is going better and I've been doing really well in my classes! (Except Bio could use some work)
I'm looking into maybe joining Peace Corps to help others instead of helping myself.
There are so many people who have nothing when I have so much that I take for granted.
If I do this I think it'll help me be so much more thankful for everything that I have :)
Oh my goodness gracious I am just SO HAPPY right now! I want to go out and run and DO SOMETHING!!
I haven't felt this way in a while and I'm overwhelmed with happiness right now.
I could definitely get used to this :) :) :) :) :) :)
ahhhhh!! :D
<3

Letting Go Is Harder Than I Thought.

I've decided not to major in theatre.
I planned on majoring in theatre because it is my passion to act.
I wanted to move to LA this fall to start my life on my own.
But I now realize that maybe its not what God wants me to do.
Its hard because I want to do it so badly.
But nothing has fallen into place as far as a place to live or having enough money.
& I cant remember the last time I asked God what HE wanted me to do.
I've been selfish.
So I've been praying for a sign.
I've been praying for anything that will tell me what I'm supposed to do.
Because I have no idea.


He>me.

Thank You Captain Obvious.

I LOVE Twilight.

<333333

Im losing myself.

I'm going to tell someone something.
Its to a certain person.
They wont read this, but I don't want to call them.
Or talk to them in person.
I cant explain why I cant do it.
but this is what I want to say.
& I just need to vent.
This is not a pity entry.
I have to empty my mind or I'm going to go crazy.
& this is my blog so I can do it if I want to.
So here goes.
I know your 'who I'd like to meet' section is about me. You say you'd like to meet someone who is there when the time calls for it, and who isn't caught up in there own world. But you don't realize how much YOU have changed. All you freaking care about is your new boyfriend, who Ive tried to be nice to, but doesn't say a word to me.
Who's the one that asks how your home life is going? ME. Who asked how school was going for you? ME. Who got you safe when you were so drunk you punched someone and puked all over? ME.
I HAVE been there for you, but YOU'RE the one who's so wrapped up in their own world they cant see that for some reason.
I KNOW that I am a great friend.
I care about people more than they know.
I worry about how they are more than I worry about myself sometimes.
I pray and pray and pray for them.
& Ive prayed for you so much
because I know how hard life has gotten for you, and you don't deserve it.
But the thing is, YOU don't know how hard life has been for ME recently.
You never asked.
Not once.
I know you've had a lot of problems recently.
But do you know what I'VE been going through??
NO!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU DON'T!!!!!
Because
YOU DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!
I'm done. With everything.

Ode to Rob Pattinson

He just deserves to have his picture posted.

Blow Out The Candles

Soooooo.

February 28th is my 19th birthday.

Yay me. Last year of being a teen.

wow.

&& to celebrate, my best friend Katie and I are going to San Jose!!!!!!

We're going to the Film Festival there to see Rob Pattinson's Independent Indie Film.

Its called How to Be.

Ive wanted to see it ever since I saw a little clip of it and Im so completely pee-in-my-pants excited.

Maybe that was too much information? haha :D

But really. I'm suuuuuupppeeerrr ecstatic.

This is going to be the best birthday ever.

hmmm. :))))))

<3

Confession.

I wish I was as close to God as I used to be.

Things Are Looking Up Because...

I'm actually trying in school this semester.
I hope it lasts because I feel really proud of myself. :)
Another thing is that there is an amazing chance that I might be moving to LA.
I'm trying not to make a huge deal out of it because there is a good chance I wont be able to,
but I am so anxious and excited its borderline ridiculous.
I'm trying to be more compassionate towards people also.
Hopefully I can learn patience by doing this.
Did that make sense?
I dont care.
And the last thing is, I've decided to stop looking for a relationship with someone.
For the past few years it was ME chasing the guy I was interested in.
I'm letting them come to me.
When God wants the love of my life to come into the picture, he will.
It's weird, seeing a good-looking guy and not thinking about what it would be like to marry him.
hahaha I'm totally joking.
kinda.
*sigh*
hmmm. :)

<3

Question for God.

We all know that some people go to Heaven and some go to Hell.
And we know that you are all-knowing.
But if you knew that some people would be going to Hell, why did you create us?
hmmm >:/

<3

Lovely.

Today was a really good day.
I haven't had a day like that in a while.
Things are starting to look up & Im excited for the future.
Also, I want a strawberry.
mmmm.
<3

Realization.

I'm becoming the person I swore I would never become.

Garfunkle.

I think that's a funny word.
I haven't written in a while.
I just realized that.
I'm getting my headshots taken tomorrow.
By the amazingly talented liz welsh :)
I'm so jittery and anxious!
I have an idea why, but I will not say.
It's for me to know and you to never find out.
Well, maybe.
I like oranges. Alot.
If I could eat oranges everyday I would.
Also, I wish I had a Mac.
I want to make videos and make people smile everyday :)
I want to find cute new words to use that no one else uses.
I shall do it too.
I'm applying to work at the Dollar Tree.
It's simple.
& I need that in my life.
Simplicity.
hmmm.
<3

Gray Stables

I love folk music.
Especially on rainy days.
hmmm.
<3

Black Lungs.

Everytime I see someone smoking a cigarrette,
I want to snatch it out of their hand,
throw it on the ground & say, "you know what you're doing to yourself. please stop."
hmmm.-ph
<3

I've Been Thinkin'...Overthinkin'...

So...I have all four finals next week.
& I must say I've never been this stressed out about anything.
Also, I'm not really that excited about Christmas.
Maybe it's cause I'm worrying about finals so much??
I don't know... I wish it was over.
Another thing I've been thinking about is my future and it literally keeps me awake at night.
For hours.
&& its that I want to ACT.
I can't describe how badly I want this.
I just pushed out that idea as a plan for the future & didn't even think about pursuing it until recently.
I have an achy feeling inside me that just... YEARNS for it I guess you could say.
I know that I'm meant to do his.
Why would God give me such a passion and talent for something if I wasn't meant to use it?
But of course, I don't have the support of anyone...well, that I know of.
My parents do not support the idea of me majoring in theatre
and going out for casting calls for movies and stuff like that.
"What makes you think you can do it?" My mom says. "You're one in a MILLION."
& I said, "EXACTLY. "
Exactly!!
I AM one in a million!!
I am unlike any other girl or... PERSON that I've ever met.
There isn't anyone like me.
I don't want to sound conceited but it's true!
There is no other Heidi Nicole Buie.
I just have to let ME shine through all the other typical actresses around everywhere.
That's gonna be hard to do.
But I just felt a surge of confidence right now.
Weird.
But then I have these doubts.
What if it's stupid to even dream about?
I hate those thoughts.
hmmm. :/
<3

I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through.

I've never been perfect, but neither have you.

hmmm.
<3

It's 1:00 a.m.

I've had sleep insomnia these past couple of days
& I hate just lying in bed staring at the ceiling.
That's when my mind whirls.
I think about everything.
I think about how stressed out I am.
I think about my dead-ends but I don't want to get a haircut.
I think about how many times I've skipped church on Sundays.
Which leads me to think of what a HUGE sinner I am.
I think about how selfish I am for trying to choose my own future
instead of wanting God to take control.
I think about how badly I want the future I'm planning for myself.
I think about how much I want taco bell.
I think about my future husband and what he will be like.
I think about love and if I will ever find it.
I think about how great it would be to be noticed. By everyone.
I think about how great it would be to fall asleep to forget everything I've just thought about.
hmmm.
<3

Oh Rob Pattinson.

How I adore thee.
hmmm. :)
<3

I've Come To Realize...

That I hate writing essays.
I HATE it.
Especially the topics.
Who cares about the difference between high school and college writing??
High school is over.
No need to bring it up again unless you're talking about loverly memories.
I'm not mad... I'm just...ehhhhhh.
I wish there was an actual word for what ehhhhhh is.
Cause that's how I feel.
School is keeping me from feeling positive emotions.
For example, I'm really excited about Sacramento.
But [yes I'm using but in the beginning of a sentence cause I'm mad a t English right now]
the worry of getting all of my homework in and passing tests in order to advance is so
downright scary I can't get to that full level of excitement you know?
I really hope I get my arse in gear and get motivated already.
I just don't like being in a classroom "learning" about things that are not going to be useful for me in my future.
I guarantee you that I am not going to have a job where I need to know how to use parenthetical citations or the Pythagorean theorem. [Which I still don't understand].
I don't like learning in a classroom being told this and that.
I like to find out for myself.
Therefore, college is definitely not for me.
But [ha!] in today's world, there really is no other option.
So I'll guess I'll just have to endure it.
hmmm. :/
<3

Muahaha.

I should probably wait til tomorrow to write more on here, but who cares?
No one is reading it anyways...well... not that I know of.

Im moving to Sacramento in August.
I don't think it's going to come fast enough.
Im finally going to start a life on my own!
I want to major in either photography, or theatre.
I haven't made up my mind yet.
But I'm definitely NOT going to teach theatre,
I want to be the one performing.
I was born to be a star.
Seriously.
hmmm
<3